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"Do you believe me, Annemarie?" His dark eyes look at me intensely as he asks me this for the third time in an hour.

"With all my heart," I reply.

Tears well up in his eyes. ‘No one believes me. I've sought help everywhere. The police, (youth) services, lawyers, and psychologists. None of them believe that my wife is abusing me, belittling me, and threatening to abduct our child. I have nowhere to go.’

‘I believe you. In fact, I've been in your shoes.’ I wish I could hug and comfort him, but that's not customary in my profession. Still, I can see my words already have a comforting effect. Recognition is so essential for all of us. To be heard, to be seen, is so healing, even if it doesn't change his terrible situation.

Today is May 5th, and the Dutch celebrate their liberation and what a gift it is to live in freedom in this country. We’re allowed to speak our minds, to have the right to speak, and not have to live in fear for our lives.

Yet so many men and women are trapped, bound by an invisible chain. They live in daily fear, sometimes even for their lives. They are psychologically, and in some cases physically, abused, brainwashed, and threatened. They are prisoners in a figurative jail. Held hostage by someone who once told them they loved them but has now created a living hell for them. But no one sees it or knows. These warriors go unnoticed through life, silenced by the very person they love or once loved. They often fight without any support, for the sake of their children. Children who, like them, are prisoners. Children who are used by their narcissistic parent for their own interests.

It’s contradictory, what I’m writing here, because yes, we live in a free country and, in theory, the man described above could just walk out of his prison. But for victims of narcissistic abuse, it’s not that simple. First, so much gaslighting (a brainwashing method I explain further in another blog) and humiliation have taken place that the victim has completely lost themselves, their own identity, making them insecure about themselves and their abilities. Then there’s the constant threat. Because narcissists, during the overwhelming initial phase of the relationship, have inconspicuously but thoroughly studied their victims, they know exactly their fears and vulnerabilities. A narcissist is more than willing to exploit this. The threats range from taking away the children, harming the victim or their loved ones, causing the victim to lose their job or reputation, to making sure the victim is left completely destitute. The narcissist doesn’t just threaten, but follows through. Victims who have tried to leave a narcissist before have experienced this firsthand.

The bitter reality is that the outside world almost never notices any of this. The narcissist is often either a charming, intelligent person with a good social standing, or they present themselves as someone deserving of pity, a victim themselves. As a result, the real victim is hardly, if ever, believed. The narcissist has long ensured the victim is isolated from family and friends, so those people don’t know what’s happening. The victim feels ashamed, even wonders whether it’s their own fault, and therefore doesn’t dare to reach out to the family and friends the narcissist has pushed away. So, there are no witnesses to the psychological and sometimes physical violence against the victim, apart from the children. Children who are also too afraid to speak out about their narcissistic parent’s behavior because they know all too well what punishments would follow.

In (youth) services, which are sometimes called in by neighbors or other bystanders, things often go “wrong” as well. They are required to let both partners read all the reports of conversations. A child or the partner of the narcissist will be very careful about revealing what’s really happening, out of fear for the consequences that the narcissist has already made clear in advance. Besides that, a narcissist will always present themselves to the police, (youth) services, and other authorities as very cooperative and stable. They get the same distorted picture as the victim did at the beginning of the relationship. Unfortunately, even lawyers and psychologists regularly fail to see the seriousness of these types of relationships. In their eyes, it’s just another “high-conflict divorce” with lots of mudslinging.

To break this invisible chain, it’s essential that family, friends, and support services gain knowledge about narcissistic abuse so they can recognize the situation and provide appropriate help to the partner and children of the narcissist.

Love,

Annemarie