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Sometimes in life, we are “forced” to stay in contact with a person who has narcissistic personality disorder. This can happen because you have children together and, after the breakup, your child still sees the narcissistic parent. Or it could be your father or mother whom you still live with, or a colleague at work, and you like your job too much to look for another one. So, how do you deal with a narcissist?

Fortunately, there are several methods that can make your life a lot easier. I don’t recommend these so you can remain in a relationship with a narcissist. In that case, you would have to give up so much of yourself that even these methods would no longer be healthy for you. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the most important step (no matter how hard it is) is: leave and never (really never) go back, no matter what the narcissist says or how sweet he or she acts.

But if you are in a position where you have no choice but to maintain contact with a narcissist, keep the following rules in mind to protect yourself from (even more) narcissistic abuse.

No Contact

No contact in any way, which means do not initiate contact yourself and don’t respond if he or she tries to reach out. Don’t answer their calls, don’t read their texts or emails, and don’t open the door if they show up at your house. For a narcissist, everything is urgent, even when it’s not. Don’t get sucked into this. This is extremely difficult, especially if you have young children together who still have contact with the narcissist. Communicate clearly to the narcissist that if there is something truly urgent, he or she can send you an email. When you read the email, first ask yourself how urgent it really is. Most of the time, there’s no need to respond, so don’t. If it is absolutely necessary for the children (always ask yourself first: “Is it really necessary? What disaster would happen if I didn’t respond?”), keep your reply limited to the bare minimum, businesslike, and without showing any emotion. Read the email several times and give yourself a few days to make sure you have removed all emotion before sending your response, or ask someone else to read it with you and help you with this.

After some time of “no contact,” the counterattack will begin. When I say “after some time,” this could be a day, months, or even years later, or anything in between. Basically, it happens when the narcissist feels you are no longer susceptible to them, and often this moment catches you completely off guard. The counterattack can include smearing your reputation everywhere, openly starting a new relationship with someone else and idolizing them, turning the children against you, stalking, and making threats. This can escalate into daily harassment. It is crucial that you continue to maintain “no contact” and show no emotion at all.

Do Not Respond

With the counterattack comes the next rule: do not respond. This is unbelievably hard. Narcissists can be real bullies, spreading the most terrible stories about you. It is humiliating, and you probably want nothing more than to silence the narcissist once and for all. But the more emotional your response, the more they will continue. In cases of stalking or threats, you MUST report it to the police, but it’s also absolutely a “no go” to tell the narcissist or show in any way how it affects you, because they will only use that to manipulate you even more.